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This programme contains
strong language and adult humour.

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00:00:04,480 --> 00:00:05,880
The morning you first left for uni,

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your nan took you
for a full English,

4
00:00:07,400 --> 00:00:09,640
knowing it may well be the last
before she was too poorly

5
00:00:09,680 --> 00:00:12,160
to do a competitive
all-you-can-eat-breakfast challenge.

6
00:00:12,200 --> 00:00:15,000
Can't believe I've a grandson
off to university.

7
00:00:15,040 --> 00:00:16,800
Feel like the fucking Queen.

8
00:00:16,840 --> 00:00:20,400
Oi. Look, it's Brent Uni,
all right? Not St Andrews.

9
00:00:20,440 --> 00:00:22,200
There's kids studying mime, for
fuck's sake.

10
00:00:22,240 --> 00:00:24,600
Well, mime's still better than
the dole.

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Got your pressies before you go.  Oh.

12
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Sudocrem.

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JLS johnnies, only the best.

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Corsodyl?

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Bleeding gums put women off.
Trust me.

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Right. Listen, if there's
any problems, OK,

17
00:00:42,840 --> 00:00:45,160
promise me you'll just call me
and I'll come racing back.

18
00:00:45,200 --> 00:00:46,520
Oh. All right.

19
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There's loads of people round here
that can help you an' all.  I know.

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Let's not spoil now.  OK.

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Has your dad text to say goodbye
at all?

22
00:00:56,440 --> 00:00:58,440
No.  What a wanker.

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00:00:58,480 --> 00:00:59,960
Oi.

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00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:02,040
Let's not spoil now.

25
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Nan and Dan for ever.

26
00:01:04,240 --> 00:01:06,440
Dan and Nan for ever.

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Come on, big hug.

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I love you.

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I love you. I love you.

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I love you.

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I love you, too.

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Now, don't pull a minger!

33
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All right?

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Bye.  Ta-rah!

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Every freshers event was always
about sex,

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00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:41,240
from the school disco party, where
everyone dressed as slutty versions

37
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of the children they were only
four years before,

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to the traffic light party,

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where lads with loving girlfriends
back home still dressed in green

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but Yemi, as LGBT society president,

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wanted to make everything
a bit more inclusive.

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We are here, we are queer
and we are wearing cotton sheer.

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Yo, we're going to set up this LGBT 
stand

44
00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:03,320
and then we're going to get fucking
wasted.  Woo! Yeah!

45
00:02:03,360 --> 00:02:06,040
I've had my city-city pram-pram,
I'm in a good mood

46
00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:07,440
and I'm ready to get wood.

47
00:02:07,480 --> 00:02:11,240
Danny, I'm chuffed that you can get
an erection but do we have to hear
about it every five minutes?

48
00:02:11,280 --> 00:02:13,120
Yes, because it's a medical miracle.

49
00:02:13,160 --> 00:02:16,080
Me and Jackie boy here, we are
fully out to fuck a fresher.

50
00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:19,880
OK...  That sounds quite predatory,
but, yeah. Yeah, we are.

51
00:02:19,920 --> 00:02:22,120
Mate, some of the birds at this uni
are older than me.

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Amy from fine arts, 37.

53
00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:26,000
Diane from illustration is 43.

54
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Yeah, and both are married.  Yes.

55
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And what do you think creative,
unhappily married women do, right?

56
00:02:31,000 --> 00:02:34,680
They fill out a UCAS form
and they fuck their way through
a short-term arts degree.

57
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Hello, Mummy.  You repulse me
sometimes.

58
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Yeah, I repulse myself.

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Anyway, you're going to be
entertaining Spencer later,

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so just try not to think about my
raging hard-ons all night long, OK?

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God.

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You know how normally when straight
guys talk about their dicks,
I'm aroused?

63
00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:52,360
With you, I'm just bored.
OK, fine.

64
00:02:52,400 --> 00:02:55,480
I won't make any more mentions
of my erections for the rest
of the evening.

65
00:02:55,520 --> 00:02:57,800
Touch wood!  Oh, come on.

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SHE CHUCKLES

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Jackie boy, are you going to help
us?

68
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I am putting this sign up
for your lot.

69
00:03:05,600 --> 00:03:09,080
Sorry, I just can't seem to get any
good 3G signal down here.

70
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I'm streaming Strictly Come Dancing.
Oh, fuck's sake.

71
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What? It's Alison Hammond's
first week.

72
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She's doing the cha-cha-cha
to Chaka Khan.

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I don't give a cha-cha-shit, mate.

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We're supposed to be on the pull.

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Tonight is about
strictly come...dumping.

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Big finger in the house!
SHE CHUCKLES

77
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Look who's back.
Oh, no, actually, sorry.

78
00:03:28,720 --> 00:03:30,600
Erm, why are you dressed like that?

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It's the traffic light party, innit?

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00:03:32,120 --> 00:03:34,200
No, it's first years only,
I'm afraid.

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Are you kidding me?

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We actually have really strict rules
about this kind of thing

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because of last year's
traffic lights,

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when I caught a couple
of our caretakers
head to toe green boilersuits

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skulking around after the students.

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They were, like, 23, 24. It's like
really disgusting creeps.

87
00:03:46,640 --> 00:03:49,560
It's not disgusting.  You're 26,
right?

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Yeah. OK. Thank you.
That's very sweet.

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OK, guys. Right, BRB.

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I'm going to pop on my...

91
00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:58,680

Boots with the fur...

92
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Do you believe it?

93
00:03:59,920 --> 00:04:02,840
Look, to be honest, Danny, the best
way for you to actually pull tonight

94
00:04:02,880 --> 00:04:05,480
is by you leaning into the fact that
you are an older gentleman.

95
00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:07,280
Older gentleman?  Precisely.

96
00:04:07,320 --> 00:04:09,160
You want to compete with all the
new arrives?

97
00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:11,880
You've got to present like
a hot classic car.

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Capitalise.

99
00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:15,600
Yeah.

100
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OK.

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DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

102
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Jack, why aren't you out there?

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00:04:32,280 --> 00:04:34,680
He's FaceTiming Peggy, while she
holds the iPad up to the telly

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playing Strictly.

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What the fuck are you wearing?

106
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Hello, Danny babe.

107
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Jack, give me the phone.

108
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Look... Hey, Pegs.

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00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:45,440
Listen, me and Jack are supposed
to be out on the pull tonight, so...

110
00:04:45,480 --> 00:04:48,120
And why are you dressed like
Richard Hammond, then?

111
00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:49,280
Sorry!

112
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Are Alison and Richard related?

113
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Peggy, do you want your son
watching ballroom dancing

114
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on a Saturday night, or do you want
him out here living his life?

115
00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:58,000
Actually, you're totally right
there.

116
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You know, tell Jack I'm going
to hang up now.  All right, OK.

117
00:05:00,640 --> 00:05:02,720
Bye-bye.  Bye-bye.

118
00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:07,040
No, I'm keeping this until you get
out there and chat up some gay boys.

119
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Fine. Homophobe.  Dweeb.

120
00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:13,520
Some prick's just nominated me for
the ice bucket challenge.

121
00:05:13,560 --> 00:05:14,640
Jules?  Yes.

122
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She nominated me twice this week.

123
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It's attention-seeking masquerading
as a charitable endeavour.

124
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It's girls in white T-shirts
getting soaked in ice water

125
00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:23,440
for motor neurone disease.
Yes, please.

126
00:05:23,480 --> 00:05:25,320
You're despicable.  I know.

127
00:05:25,360 --> 00:05:27,920
Right, Spencer is here, so I'm going
to go.

128
00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:30,440
OK.  Good luck, pal. Go get 'em.

129
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STRICTLY THEME PLAYS

130
00:05:36,240 --> 00:05:37,520
Oh, it's sad, though.

131
00:05:37,560 --> 00:05:41,200
It's sad how a Latin American
movement pattern can wreck a home.

132
00:05:41,240 --> 00:05:44,000
What?  Strictly curse.

133
00:05:44,040 --> 00:05:46,600
It absolutely terrifies me.

134
00:05:46,640 --> 00:05:48,960
You don't date a celeb, though.

135
00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:51,880
Peggy, I'm a party planner.
I'm around celebs all the time.

136
00:05:51,920 --> 00:05:54,120
I could... I could easily meet
a celeb.

137
00:05:54,160 --> 00:05:57,520
And then one day he'd probably
leave me for a Russian woman

138
00:05:57,560 --> 00:05:58,840
with amazing posture.

139
00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:02,560
Maybe focus on dating
a non-celeb first.

140
00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:05,200
Have you told the father yet?

141
00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:08,320
No. I don't see why I should have
to.

142
00:06:08,360 --> 00:06:10,640
We both know that the best way
to get on The Apprentice

143
00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:13,880
is to be a single mum
and an independent business owner.

144
00:06:13,920 --> 00:06:17,880
It's common decency to let someone
know when they've knocked you up.

145
00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:21,360
At the very least,
kids are fucking expensive.

146
00:06:21,400 --> 00:06:24,280
You're going to need a hand.
OK, then. Fine.

147
00:06:24,320 --> 00:06:26,240
I will order something from Asos.

148
00:06:26,280 --> 00:06:29,320
What? Why? You're skint.

149
00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:31,320
The father's a next-day delivery
driver.

150
00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:36,080
Oh, God.

151
00:06:36,120 --> 00:06:40,920
It began with, you know, just a
little parcel here and there and...

152
00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:42,360
Thank you.

153
00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:43,760
See ya.

154
00:06:43,800 --> 00:06:46,040
You know, a bit of flirty banter
at the door and...

155
00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:48,760
SHE GIGGLES
Stop it!

156
00:06:48,800 --> 00:06:49,920
Oh.

157
00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:52,120
He came on pretty strong.

158
00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:56,560
And, yeah, I was feeling
a little bit lonely, so...

159
00:06:56,600 --> 00:06:58,840
Right.

160
00:06:58,880 --> 00:07:02,200
Well, I hope he ain't
a Hermes delivery driver.

161
00:07:04,160 --> 00:07:06,000
I wouldn't go there.

162
00:07:06,040 --> 00:07:07,680
I would never go there.

163
00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:14,120
Asos.

164
00:07:14,160 --> 00:07:15,160
Yeah.

165
00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:19,760
The other day I had a hook-up
and as I was leaving the guy's room,

166
00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:22,760
we realised we'd taken off the exact
same outfit,

167
00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:25,720
same T-shirt, same underwear,
same socks. All of it.

168
00:07:25,760 --> 00:07:27,360
Happens all the time.  Yeah.

169
00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:30,280
I looked inside one of the pairs
of pants to see if it was my size,

170
00:07:30,320 --> 00:07:32,240
and I just saw this huge crusty
skid mark

171
00:07:32,280 --> 00:07:34,880
straight down the middle of them.

172
00:07:34,920 --> 00:07:36,960
That's how I knew they were mine.

173
00:07:38,720 --> 00:07:42,440
Anyone who plays their cards right
gets to check if I'm joking or not.

174
00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:47,160
Do you guys want a hooch?

175
00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:48,640
Please don't talk to me.

176
00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:49,840
Yes.

177
00:07:49,880 --> 00:07:52,560
Thanks, er, Oscar.

178
00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:54,240
Hey. No worries...

179
00:07:55,680 --> 00:07:56,760
..Jack.

180
00:07:57,960 --> 00:07:59,920
I'll get you a hooch.

181
00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:01,360
I like your earrings.

182
00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:04,000
Thanks. My boyfriend got them
for me.  OK.

183
00:08:04,040 --> 00:08:06,080
I'm from Argentina.  Oh, wow.

184
00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:07,960
I don't know anything about
Argentina,

185
00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:10,960
apart from obviously when Beckham
got the red card.

186
00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:14,160
David Beckham kicked Diego Simeone
in '98.

187
00:08:14,200 --> 00:08:16,080
Er, I was born in '96.

188
00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:17,120
You...

189
00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:24,480
So this is, I'd say, 65 to 75% of
my Ty Beanie Baby collection,

190
00:08:24,520 --> 00:08:27,840
the vast majority of which will have
to be bought in...

191
00:08:27,880 --> 00:08:29,840
Whilst you were getting your ear
chewed off,

192
00:08:29,880 --> 00:08:31,960
I managed to pull a really fit guy
of my own age,

193
00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:34,000
which meant I got my phone back
and I got...

194
00:08:34,040 --> 00:08:36,240
Dandruff check.  Oh, yeah.

195
00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:40,840
Have you douched?
Um, that's not on my checklist.

196
00:08:40,880 --> 00:08:43,720
I know, but if you're going to be
mating, you've got to get excavated.

197
00:08:43,760 --> 00:08:45,080
OK, OK. Thanks, Danny.

198
00:08:45,120 --> 00:08:47,520
So, what are you going to be
studying?  Er, PR.

199
00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:50,160
Oh, cool, cool. Yeah.
I mean, we need PRs, right?

200
00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:52,320
Cos people always have affairs
that need covering.

201
00:08:52,360 --> 00:08:54,280
Er, yeah, sure.

202
00:08:54,320 --> 00:08:56,120
So what do you teach?

203
00:08:56,160 --> 00:08:59,200
Sorry...teach?  Yeah. What are you,
like, a lecturer or...?

204
00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:00,560
No, I'm...

205
00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:03,560
PE.

206
00:09:03,600 --> 00:09:06,400
I mean, anyone with a history
of depression who spent weeks

207
00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:09,760
watching daytime telly in bed with
her as their only source of joy...

208
00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:11,280
BOTH:  Loves Alison.

209
00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:14,440
Completely.

210
00:09:14,480 --> 00:09:16,360
Thanks for letting me tether
to your 3G.

211
00:09:17,760 --> 00:09:19,120
It's romantic, innit?

212
00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:21,600
Tethering.

213
00:09:25,720 --> 00:09:28,000
AUDIENCE CHEERS ON STRICTLY

214
00:09:28,040 --> 00:09:30,400
I'm... Sorry.

215
00:09:30,440 --> 00:09:34,240
I really want to do this,
but I need to watch this.

216
00:09:34,280 --> 00:09:35,960
Oh, yeah? Yeah, sure, sure.

217
00:09:37,680 --> 00:09:41,320
Alison's also just like a really
adept, proficient journalist.

218
00:09:41,360 --> 00:09:44,320
Do you know what I mean?  Yeah.
I always say that.

219
00:09:44,360 --> 00:09:46,240
Well, you are a journalism student,
so...

220
00:09:48,280 --> 00:09:50,800
Hey, look, I'm going to be
right back. I just need to...

221
00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:56,000

and for hours of time

222
00:09:56,040 --> 00:10:01,640

like I'm not alone any more

223
00:10:02,760 --> 00:10:05,080


224
00:10:09,040 --> 00:10:13,320

but I'm afraid to kill...

225
00:10:13,360 --> 00:10:15,920
You hadn't had a text from your dad
in years.

226
00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:19,280

So I fly...

227
00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:21,520
Where is he?

228
00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:24,080
I need a tether.

229
00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:28,280


230
00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:32,800


231
00:10:34,440 --> 00:10:35,560
You OK?

232
00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:38,960
I can't find Oscar anywhere.

233
00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:46,520
You sure you're OK?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

234
00:10:46,560 --> 00:10:49,080
Erm, I think I might go, actually.

235
00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:52,120
Yeah.

236
00:10:55,560 --> 00:10:57,640
Yeah, let's go.

237
00:10:57,680 --> 00:11:00,400
No, no, look, mate, I don't want to
ruin your night, like, you just...

238
00:11:00,440 --> 00:11:02,000
It's all good. Let's go.

239
00:11:06,520 --> 00:11:09,800
Despite our efforts to fuck
a fresher, we got back to the shed

240
00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:12,920
to find our flatmates were the ones
getting fucked instead.

241
00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:16,360
BED CREAKS, LOUD MOANING

242
00:11:16,400 --> 00:11:17,680
10.15pm.

243
00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:19,760
LOUDLY: It's the final day in
Chelmsford,

244
00:11:19,800 --> 00:11:23,120
and the food at Gavin's Caribbean
theme night has shocked his guests,

245
00:11:23,160 --> 00:11:24,640
as has his special package.

246
00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:29,360
Come Dine With Me, Channel 4.
Yeah. All right.

247
00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:31,160
But what specific channel?

248
00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:34,240
Oh, considering time of broadcast.

249
00:11:34,280 --> 00:11:35,360
E4 plus one.

250
00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:37,200
Bad luck. More4.

251
00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:40,800
MOANING INTENSIFIES

252
00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:43,400
Oh, fuck!

253
00:11:43,440 --> 00:11:45,040
Are you OK, mate?

254
00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:48,680
Yeah. I mean, the girl I actually
like is being railed next door,

255
00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:51,640
right after the fresher I was
chirpsing mistook me for -

256
00:11:51,680 --> 00:11:52,960
wait for it - a lecturer.

257
00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:55,480
So, yeah, I've had better nights.

258
00:11:55,520 --> 00:11:56,600
You?

259
00:11:56,640 --> 00:11:59,160
I'm just annoyed this Oscar guy
disappeared.

260
00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:03,400
I was finally chipsing someone
I really liked.

261
00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:06,200
Chirpsing.

262
00:12:06,240 --> 00:12:08,040
Chirps...chirpsing.

263
00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:09,280
Chirpsing.

264
00:12:09,320 --> 00:12:10,920
Chirpsing.  There we go.

265
00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:15,400
MAN:  You dirty pig! You dirty
fucking pig!

266
00:12:15,440 --> 00:12:18,280
Right, just eat Monster Munch, mate.
It drowns out the sound.

267
00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:22,520
Go on, get it in your mouth. Yeah.
Crunch, crunch, crunch.

268
00:12:36,040 --> 00:12:39,160


269
00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:46,800


270
00:12:46,840 --> 00:12:48,760
LOUD MOANING

271
00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:52,080
Ooh, Oscar! You dirty boy!

272
00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:55,280
Oh, please say I'm dreaming that.

273
00:12:55,320 --> 00:12:57,320
Do you like that? Do you like it?

274
00:12:57,360 --> 00:12:58,840
Soz, mate.

275
00:12:58,880 --> 00:13:01,640
You naughty boy, Oscar!

276
00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:16,760
All right?

277
00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:18,480
Yes.

278
00:13:18,520 --> 00:13:21,640
Spencer just left.
Oh! Wait, was Spencer here?

279
00:13:21,680 --> 00:13:23,960
Oh, I didn't realise that.
Shut up, Danny.

280
00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:26,600
These walls are thin.
Yes, I know, Corinne.

281
00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:29,320
Sadly, Jack here got with a lad
called Oscar last night.

282
00:13:29,360 --> 00:13:30,840
Why is that sad?

283
00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:33,880
Because he came back and fucked
Yemi. Sorry, Jack.  Oh, dear.

284
00:13:33,920 --> 00:13:35,840
Good morning.  Good morning.

285
00:13:35,880 --> 00:13:37,600
Morning.

286
00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:38,840
Good morning, Jack.

287
00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:42,560
CROCKERY CLATTERS

288
00:13:44,080 --> 00:13:46,320
Corinne, babe, I think we need
to talk volume.

289
00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:49,480
Oh, do we?  Mm-hm. Lots.  Oh.

290
00:13:57,520 --> 00:13:59,720
What's up with her?
You fucked Oscar.

291
00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:01,400
That's who Jack likes.  What?

292
00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:02,920
Yeah, we all heard you.

293
00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:06,600
Oh, shit.

294
00:14:08,040 --> 00:14:10,040
I'm sorry.  Mm-hm.

295
00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:12,400
Right, I need to get some sleep.
Oh, shit.

296
00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:16,960
Oh, he's quite sexy, Shan.

297
00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:19,120
Is he?  Yeah.

298
00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:21,280
We only really did it
for about four minutes

299
00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:23,200
before he had to deliver another
parcel.

300
00:14:23,240 --> 00:14:25,960
Oh, poor boy.  Poor boy?

301
00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:27,960
Poor me, more like.

302
00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:30,680
God, he's not the brightest spark...

303
00:14:32,040 --> 00:14:33,480
..at all.

304
00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:35,520
I don't know how he's going
to take it.

305
00:14:35,560 --> 00:14:36,720
DOORBELL RINGS

306
00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:40,600
Wow. That's amazing.

307
00:14:40,640 --> 00:14:43,520
Yeah. And you can, like,
meet the baby and that

308
00:14:43,560 --> 00:14:46,560
but I am fully intending on being
a single mum-trepreneur, so...

309
00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:49,760
Well, I can help out as much as you
like or as little as you like.

310
00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:51,480
No, I won't need help, thank you.

311
00:14:51,520 --> 00:14:55,240
Well, let me give you my number.

312
00:14:55,280 --> 00:14:57,800
All right, well, don't write
on the parcel.

313
00:14:57,840 --> 00:14:59,240
And I'll give you my landline.

314
00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:01,680
Don't need to do that.  Just in case.

315
00:15:03,280 --> 00:15:05,440
There you go.
I look forward to hearing from you.

316
00:15:05,480 --> 00:15:09,000
Actually, I don't need this.
I'm just going to take that.

317
00:15:09,040 --> 00:15:10,600
I just did that to get you here.

318
00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:13,160
So if you could return that for me,
that'd be great.

319
00:15:13,200 --> 00:15:14,720
OK.  OK.  Thanks.  Bye.

320
00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:20,200
Shannon Papadopoulou, shame on you.

321
00:15:20,240 --> 00:15:21,680
Peggy...

322
00:15:21,720 --> 00:15:23,920
No, he was quite mean to me
out there.

323
00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:31,760
Hey!

324
00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:34,120
Did Alison get through on Strictly
last night?

325
00:15:38,640 --> 00:15:41,640
Are you concerned about
being radicalised to jihad?

326
00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:42,720
What if I am?

327
00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:45,920
The jihadis aren't overly keen on
the uptake from homos, mate.

328
00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:48,240
It says it there. Anyway,
do you want a coffee?

329
00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:49,400
I was going to go get one.

330
00:15:49,440 --> 00:15:51,360
What happened last night?

331
00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:53,920
Yeah, I don't know. I'm sorry.

332
00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:55,640
I went a bit AWOL.

333
00:15:55,680 --> 00:15:58,840
I just felt too drunk,
so I headed home.

334
00:15:58,880 --> 00:16:00,640
Oh, did you now?

335
00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:02,200
Yes.

336
00:16:02,240 --> 00:16:05,040
You didn't go to a big blue shed to
get called a fucking cum slut pig?

337
00:16:06,280 --> 00:16:09,440
Fucking hell. Yeah,
did Yemi tell you what we did?

338
00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:12,080
He didn't have to. We all heard it.
Oh, fuck.

339
00:16:13,720 --> 00:16:16,880
I just really love his shows.  What?

340
00:16:16,920 --> 00:16:21,040
Yeah. His shows are, like,
insanely hot.

341
00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:25,400
What shows?  I confess, I've been
a fan of Yemi for a while now.

342
00:16:25,440 --> 00:16:27,960
What are you talking about?

343
00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:29,080
Yemi's web...

344
00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:31,280
..cam shows?  Yes.

345
00:16:31,320 --> 00:16:34,600
Oscar said Yemi was a webcam
performer

346
00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:37,800
and he knew who I was from
Yemi's Instagram,

347
00:16:37,840 --> 00:16:41,640
which makes sense, because he somehow
knew I was a journalism student.

348
00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:42,960
Wait, wait-wait-wait.

349
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:44,080
So...

350
00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:48,760
So Yemi wanking on webcam to Oscar
is what we all heard?

351
00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:52,080
That makes so much sense
because I kept hearing...

352
00:16:52,120 --> 00:16:53,920
SHE BREATHES HEAVILY

353
00:16:55,920 --> 00:16:58,080
Oh, dear, my webcam's fallen over.

354
00:16:58,120 --> 00:17:00,000
Look, well, good for him, all right?

355
00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:02,000
We can have a word, tell him to
quieten it down.

356
00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:05,000
But how Yemi makes his money
is none of our business.

357
00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:12,040
I want to watch.

358
00:17:12,080 --> 00:17:13,880
Good user interface.

359
00:17:13,920 --> 00:17:15,920
Hmm.

360
00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:19,000
Hello.  Hi, just doing some homework.

361
00:17:20,480 --> 00:17:23,760
I wanted to apologise, Jack,
for sleeping with Oscar.

362
00:17:23,800 --> 00:17:25,280
I'm sorry.

363
00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:27,840
I got you an apology gift that
I'd be more than happy

364
00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:29,240
to assist you in trying.

365
00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:31,680
Oh, is that a clown horn?
Honk, honk.

366
00:17:31,720 --> 00:17:34,240
It's a silicone anal douche.

367
00:17:34,280 --> 00:17:35,600
Ooh, no, thank you.

368
00:17:35,640 --> 00:17:38,800
So you fill it up with warm water,
spread your cheeks, squat up

369
00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:40,400
your bowels, and then splush!

370
00:17:40,440 --> 00:17:43,840
You expel all demons, pagan spirits
and poo particles.

371
00:17:43,880 --> 00:17:45,640
A fresh bussy for the freshers.

372
00:17:45,680 --> 00:17:47,280
Thank you...Yemi!

373
00:17:47,320 --> 00:17:50,000
When I've finished doing some bits
and bobs in my room, I'll come out

374
00:17:50,040 --> 00:17:51,440
here and give you a tutorial.

375
00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:53,680
You could use that to do
the dishes, mate, couldn't you?

376
00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:56,200
It might mean you actually do them.

377
00:17:57,920 --> 00:18:00,520
Guys, why is he lying
that he fucked Oscar?

378
00:18:00,560 --> 00:18:02,960
Yeah, well, maybe because he's
embarrassed about his job,

379
00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:06,840
which is more reason why
we should not watch his show.

380
00:18:08,880 --> 00:18:10,680
He's on, I hear pony.

381
00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:11,760
This is so wrong.

382
00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:13,240
Don't be such a spoilsport.

383
00:18:13,280 --> 00:18:15,720
You're literally the one reading
a magazine full of tits.

384
00:18:15,760 --> 00:18:18,600
I'm reading an article
about renewable energy.

385
00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:20,720
OK, anyway, I paid for these tits.

386
00:18:20,760 --> 00:18:23,280
Yeah, well, I just paid
5.99 to sign up, so...

387
00:18:23,320 --> 00:18:26,040
No, you didn't, you clicked the free
trial button.  Shut up, Jack.

388
00:18:26,080 --> 00:18:28,560
So which one of you dirty bastards
want to come

389
00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:30,920
and lick this shoe clean?

390
00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:32,680
Those are my Doc Martens.

391
00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:35,360
Ha, ha.

392
00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:37,200
All right, lads.

393
00:18:37,240 --> 00:18:39,040
Danny, come here, mate.  What?

394
00:18:39,080 --> 00:18:41,520
Who's getting the drink in tonight?

395
00:18:41,560 --> 00:18:43,680
Oh, that's my Hard-fi T-shirt.

396
00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:45,320


397
00:18:45,360 --> 00:18:46,880


398
00:18:46,920 --> 00:18:48,160


399
00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:49,640


400
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:55,080


401
00:18:55,120 --> 00:18:56,440


402
00:18:56,480 --> 00:18:57,560
What's going on here?

403
00:18:57,600 --> 00:19:03,160
Oh, there's 69 of you dirty
bastards watching me right now.

404
00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:04,320
Thank you.

405
00:19:04,360 --> 00:19:07,880
Special shout-outs go out
to Colin, Olusola.

406
00:19:07,920 --> 00:19:09,640
Brian Blessed - again?

407
00:19:09,680 --> 00:19:10,920
And...

408
00:19:13,760 --> 00:19:18,120
Yo, yo, yo, yo, listen, I'm about to
do a quick costume change.

409
00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:21,920
Stay here, enjoy this
short intermission.

410
00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:23,480
So what's he going to do now?

411
00:19:23,520 --> 00:19:25,000
Is he getting changed, he said?

412
00:19:25,040 --> 00:19:26,080
Busy?

413
00:19:26,120 --> 00:19:27,560
SCREAMING

414
00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:29,280
Right, I'd have thought
you're cleverer

415
00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:32,120
than to let your chatroom username
be your university email address.

416
00:19:32,160 --> 00:19:33,560
Oh, shit.

417
00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:37,520
Right, you're all going to get
one question each.

418
00:19:37,560 --> 00:19:39,880
Only speak if holding the douche.

419
00:19:40,920 --> 00:19:42,240
Erm...

420
00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:45,280
Why are you doing it, babe?

421
00:19:45,320 --> 00:19:48,440
I'm a fashion student making
25 to 30 garments a term.

422
00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:50,760
I cannot afford decent fabrics
without this money.

423
00:19:50,800 --> 00:19:53,200
And how long have you...?
You've had your question.

424
00:19:53,240 --> 00:19:54,960
Pass on the douche.

425
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:58,760
OK, what stuff do you do?

426
00:19:58,800 --> 00:20:02,520
Sometimes I wank, sometimes
just show body.

427
00:20:02,560 --> 00:20:05,440
Sometimes I'll just be sitting there
talking about RuPaul's Drag Race.

428
00:20:05,480 --> 00:20:07,720
It really depends
what the viewers want.

429
00:20:09,280 --> 00:20:12,880
But can I just say, I told
them both several times

430
00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:15,600
that they shouldn't watch, but go
on, how much coin are you making?

431
00:20:15,640 --> 00:20:18,240
Depending on what kind of
show I'm doing...

432
00:20:18,280 --> 00:20:19,560
..roughly 300 a night.

433
00:20:19,600 --> 00:20:21,640
What?  £300 a night.

434
00:20:21,680 --> 00:20:23,920
Flipping hell, right now I can
get hard-ons,

435
00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:26,760
I'll bash a few out for some cash.
Shut up, Danny.

436
00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:29,280
OK, enough, I'm really going to need
all of you lot to help me

437
00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:31,000
keep my business on the DL.

438
00:20:31,040 --> 00:20:33,680
Yeah, and can I just say
I'm really sorry?

439
00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:35,960
OK, we could just... We could all
hear you.

440
00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:38,360
Yeah, I'm sorry too.

441
00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:40,960
I was just a bit jealous and...

442
00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:45,240
Look, is there anything we can do
to make it up to you?

443
00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:49,440
Despite the humiliation
of being Yemi's sex slave

444
00:20:49,480 --> 00:20:52,640
gimp dildo assistant, this was kind
of making me feel

445
00:20:52,680 --> 00:20:56,720
a bit more confident, knowing that
somewhere Oscar was...

446
00:20:56,760 --> 00:20:58,440
Yeah...

447
00:20:58,480 --> 00:21:01,160
And you felt confident you were
in a good enough place

448
00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:02,760
to text your dad back.

449
00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:09,240
Oh, fuck, it's brilliant.

450
00:21:12,720 --> 00:21:14,480
Oh, thanks.

451
00:21:14,520 --> 00:21:18,120
It's a shame we ain't met
Spencer yet.

452
00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:19,720
He's just really busy at the moment.

453
00:21:19,760 --> 00:21:21,160
He's busy?  He is.

454
00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:22,520
He's a poet, isn't he?

455
00:21:22,560 --> 00:21:24,560
Yes, Danny, he's a poet.

456
00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:27,360
And a very good one, actually.

457
00:21:27,400 --> 00:21:29,080
Very good.

458
00:21:29,120 --> 00:21:32,480
Actually, can I take a quick photo
of you?

459
00:21:32,520 --> 00:21:34,520
Why?  It's for my nan, I know
it's weird.

460
00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:37,760
She just said... I said I'd send her
pictures of all my mates and...

461
00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:39,520
What, on her own?  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

462
00:21:39,560 --> 00:21:42,440
Let me just take that...
OK, right, you ready?

463
00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:45,960
Just say ice bucket challenge!

464
00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:47,240
Argh!

465
00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:54,840
This is fucking cashmere, Yemi.

466
00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:56,040
Woo!

467
00:21:57,360 --> 00:21:58,960
What the fuck is wrong with you?

468
00:22:22,600 --> 00:22:25,880
Subtitles by Red Bee Media